


All the Pain

by the-living-legolas (berryandlisa)



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Depression, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Post-Reichenbach, Sadness, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-21
Updated: 2014-04-26
Packaged: 2018-01-20 04:28:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1496659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/berryandlisa/pseuds/the-living-legolas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Sherlock jumps off St. Bart's John is a complete mess.  He can't make it through a day without crying for hours.  He doesn't see an end to the pain.</p><p>Meanwhile, Sherlock grieves for John, knowing he is going through so much pain, but can't reveal that he is still well alive.  He tries not to think about him, but some instinct whispers to him that John is not okay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Fall

**Author's Note:**

> This is, for now, just a flashback.
> 
> Sorry about the short chapter. At this point I can't say how long each chapter will be considering this is my first one!
> 
> Thanks so much for even pulling this up. It really means a lot to me. If you could just communicate somehow that you looked at this, I would love you forever.
> 
> Thanks again!
> 
> Until next time...

_"Hello?"_

_"John."_

_"Hey, Sherlock, you okay?"_

_"Turn around and walk back the way you came now."_

_"No, I'm coming in."_

_"Just do as I ask! Please."_

_"Where?"_

_"Stop there."_

_"Sherlock?"_

_"Okay, look up.  I'm on the rooftop."_

_"Oh, God..."_

_"I-I-I can't come down, so we'll... we'll just have to do it like this."_

_"What's going on?"_

_"An apology.  It's all true."_

_"Wh-what?"_

_"Everything they said about me.  I invented Moriarty."_

_"Why are you saying this?"_

_"I'm a fake."_

_"Sherlock...."_

_"The newspapers were right all along.  I want you to tell Lestrade; I want you to tell Mrs. Hudson, and Molly... in fact, tell anyone who will listen to you that I created Moriarty for my own purposes."_

_"Okay, shut up, Sherlock, shut up.  The first time we met... the first time we met, you knew all about my sister, right?"_

_"Nobody could be that clever."_

_"You could."_

_"I researched you.  Before we met I discovered everything that I could to impress you.  It's a trick.  Just a magic trick."_

_"No.  Alright stop it now!"_

_"No, stay exactly where you are!  Don't move!"_

_"Alright!"_

_"Keep your eyes fixed on me! Please, will you do this for me?"_

_"Do what?"_

_"This phone call- it's, er... it's my note.  It's what people do, don't they- leave a note?"_

_"Leave a note, when?"_

**_"Goodbye, John."_ **

_"No.  SHERLOCK!"_

_"Sher..."_

_"Sherlock.... Sherlock....  I'm a doctor, let me come through.  Let me come through, please.... No, he's my friend.  He's my friend.  Please.... Please, just let me...._ _No, Jesus, no....  God, no...."_

 

_~~~_

_"You told me once that you weren't a hero.  Um... there were times I didn't even think you were human, but let me tell you this; you were the best man, and most human... human being that I've ever known and no one will ever convince me that you told me a lie, and so.... There....  I was so alone, and I owe you so much.... Okay... No, please, there's just one more thing, mate, one more thing: one more miracle, Sherlock, just for me. **Don't... be... dead.**  Would you do....?  Just for me, just stop it.  Stop this!"_


	2. The Outcome - John

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John mopes around at 221b Baker St.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm exhausted so I'm heading off to bed, but here's a chapter before I go!

John sat in his chair at Baker St looking at Sherlock's empty seat.  He glared at it half angry, half oppressed.  A month and a half after the fall.  He thought about all the times Sherlock would do stupid things, like shoot the wall out of boredom.  He remembered when Sherlock Skyped with him in a robe to do a case.  He recalled all the happy times they had with pain in his heart.

He remembered how much he loved Sherlock.

Though he'd never admit it, he truly loved Sherlock for being such an amazing man. Sherlock was just so... charming.  And witty.  He went from being the most annoying bastard one moment, to captivating everyone with his smile and dazzling eyes.  But John loved him through it all.  He loved how he would be sarcastic at Anderson, then a smart-arse to Lestrade, then understanding and patient with him.

He heard someone walk into to the room and turned to see Mrs. Hudson walk in with a cup of tea.  "Here you go, John, dear.  A nice cuppa outta cheer you right up!  I even added a special something to hopefully ease the... um, the pain."  She choked a little one the last word.  

"Yeah, um, thank you, Mrs. Hudson," John replied with a small smile.

She sniffled a little and moaned, "Oh, I know this is really hard on you John, but do you think you could get out and do something?  You make me sad when I have to watch you suffer day after day.  Please?  You know Sherlock wouldn't want to see you this way."

John looked at her for a moment. He could see in her eyes how tormented she was by everything.  First Sherlock, now John not even trying to cope.  He sighed.  "Yeah, I suppose I should probably start looking for a job, considering I'll need to pay the rent."

Mrs. Hudson put her hands out as if to stop him from leaving.  "'Oh, no!  Don't worry about that for a little while now.  You have other more important things to worry about than the rent.  I'll let you off for a bit, does that sound good?"

"No, Mrs. Hudson, you really don't need to."

She looked more frantic now as she exclaimed, "Just rest a while before you start looking, okay?"

John stared at her in utter confusion.  Was she nuts? No rent but rest for a while?  What was going on?  This wasn't like Mrs. Hudson at all.  It was like she'd been brainwashed or drugged.  Perhaps she was being forced to do this.  He turned in his seat and started firmly, "Mrs. Hudson, just-"

She jumped and wailed, "I get it!  Okay!  I'll just go do the dishes, now."  She scampered out of the room.  John watched her leave, baffled.

He thought about what had happened the past month but brought up a blank slate.  He couldn't remember doing anything.  He couldn't seem to recall talking to Mrs. Hudson or Lestrade or... anyone.  So why was Mrs. Hudson so skittish?  He called Lestrade.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Greg!  How ya doin'?"

"Oh, John it's good to hear from you!  I've been fine, just been working hard on a bunch of cases.  It's much more difficult without-"  He broke off.

John swallowed back tears.  "Yeah, I bet...."

Lestrade was silent a moment before saying, "So, how have you been?  Haven't heard from you in so long, I was gonna stop by soon to see how things were going."

"You see, that's the thing," John began, "I don't know how things have been going.  I don't  _remember_.  What has happened the past month and a half?"

John could visualize Lestrade sitting up straighter in his chair.  "Be more specific, what do you want to know?"

So, he does have answers.  He knows.  "Why is Mrs. Hudson so jumpy?"

"Oh... that's, um, complicated...."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, it's not exciting! Things will get better, I promise! ;)


	3. The Outcome - Sherlock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What Sherlock does after the fall.

Sherlock was sleeping in abandoned house that someone from his homeless network approved for the night.  He's been jumping around to different house and alleys and other little places to sleep every once in a while.  He was much thinner now he knew, and he could probably use a doctor-

His doctor was gone.  He said goodbye, it was time to move on.  He felt something wet on his cheek and wiped it away.  He convinced himself it was just water from a possible leak.  He knew it wasn't, but he would never admit it to anyone.  Not even himself.

He stood up and stretched looking around.  He didn't see anyone.  He sighed in relief and boredom.  What would he do the rest of his life?  He didn't know.  At the moment, he was going to go to see if his brother had a case for him.

He met with Mycroft weekly to catch up and swap details on cases and the comings and goings of the country.  He occasionally asked about John, but tried not to.  He didn't think it was healthy for him to be too concerned.  He knew that at this point things weren't going well with him, but he did what he had to.  There was no going back now, despite everything that told him to just tell the truth.

Sherlock walked down the sidewalk in a disguise so as not to be recognized.  That could prove to be disastrous.  He eventually saw a cab pull up and got into it without a word.  He saw Mycroft sitting across from him.  "Hello, little brother.  How are things going?"

"Things are going fine.  Have you got a case for me?"

Mycroft was about to respond when Sherlock interrupted, "Dear god, I hope you do, or else I'll have to spend another long while bored to death!"

Mycroft nodded and replied, "Yes, now-"

"Good!  What's it about this time?  Where do I start?"

Mycroft stayed silent a moment before saying, "Are you going to keep interrupting me so rudely, or do I have permission to speak?"  Sherlock gave a small nod.  "Good.  Apparently, a man named Mr. William Nock found a dead body in his coat closet and nobody has been able to figure out why or how it got there.  My driver will take us to the house."

Sherlock clapped his hands. "Oh, great!  Another mystery with any questions being asked, like 'where did the victim live?' or 'who of any importance is related to the victim?'" Sherlock gave Mycroft a sharp glance.  "I'm looking forward to it."

Mycroft frowned at Sherlock.  "Now, there.  I got you a  _case_.  I didn't have to you know!  Can't you be a little more grateful?"

"Mmm, no.  Not really."

Mycroft rolled his eyes and grumbled, "Anyway, don't forget you're-"

Sherlock interrupted once again, "I'm Timothy Doe. I know!"

Mycroft smiled sarcastically.  "Well then, I suppose you should get to it then!"  

Sherlock's door opened and he stepped outside.   "Let's see how stupid people can be!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think? Is it okay? Please leave a comment so I know what my readers are thinking! This is my first one so I could really use the help!  
> Thanks again!


	4. I Know What You Mean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John finds out why Mrs. Hudson was so scared of him.

"You've been very angry this past month and a half, very violent...." Lestrade said carefully.

"Violent?  How so?" John asked a little defensively.

"Now, John, there's no need to get upset."

"I'm not!" John replied a bit too loudly.

Lestrade stayed silent and John sighed, realizing what the DI meant.  "I know... I just- I can't help it," John admitted.

"Yeah, you see, and you've broken some things and frightened Mrs. Hudson quite a bit with your behavior."

John looked down, feeling embarrassed.  He looked around and noticed on a table a broken coffee mug.  He felt his breath catch for a moment and thought to himself,  _Why did I put Mrs. Hudson through all of that?  Why did she have to witness my anger?_ _  
_

After realizing he was still on the phone, John finally said, "Okay, I'll go talk to her. I'll try to be in touch with you a bit more too."

Lestrade instantly perked up. "Yeah, I might have some cases you could help with if you want-"

"NO!" John insisted, "No, I can't go back... You have to understand."

Lestrade said, "Aww, alright, mate, I get it.  I'll talk to you later."

"Alright." John hung up the phone.  He walked around the room a bit to recover from his conversation, and as he did he noticed other damaged items.  A book had torn out pages, a CD with many scratches, another mug....  John sighed again, dejectedly.  

He heard Mrs. Hudson come up the stairs.  "Are you feeling better now, John?"

John smiled at her and said, "Yes.  Mrs. Hudson I need to apologize for the way I've been treating you.  I'm so sorry for frightening you like that and I regret even more that you were the one that had to manage me all this time.  I'm truly sorry."

Mrs. Hudson smiled. "Oh, you know it's okay.  I know what you mean.  I've wanted to get out all my frustration at....  _him_ sometimes too.  All the blood in the kitchen!"

John nodded, and responded, "Thank you so much.  I need to rest now, so if you'll excuse me."  John stumbled to his bedroom and gasped. He started crying uncontrollably at the mere mention of Sherlock. He didn't know if he'd be able to go on like this much longer.  He knew if he couldn't stand to be in the presence of his name, he'd never get a job.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a bit short, but meh.


	5. 221b Baker Street

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock thinks about John and mainly walks around.

Sherlock had solved the case by midnight, and started walking back to 221b, just a few blocks away, when he remembered he couldn't go back.  He felt a lump build in his throat at the thought of how John was suffering.  He was so lost in thought he didn't realize he was at the end of Baker Street.  He halted and turned around reluctantly.  

He knew John deserved to know he was alive, but right now....  He couldn't think of why not to talk to John.  He started walking back, eagerly, when he remembered his brothers' warnings about going back and the outcomes of love.  He decided then he could never go back, no matter how much John suffered.

~~~

A few days later, Sherlock got a call from Mycroft.  He let it go to voice mail.  Later, when he checked the message, he discovered there was a new case.  Great.  Just what he needed.  

Normally, he'd be all over it, but right now, he could hardly stand to leave the corner he'd made for himself in subway restroom.  He sat and wondered all day if he'd made the right choice, leaving John.  In his head, he went back and forth as to why it was better, but somehow, the part the wanted to go back always came out on top.  It was all he could do to stay in place.  

He knew after the sitting for nearly 36 hours he needed to get up and move on.  He felt himself slowly get up.  He couldn't understand why but he felt very detached.  He stood up and started walking the streets again, bored.  He found his feet heading back to Baker Street again and forced himself to walk away.  

In a moment of spontaneity, he flagged a cab and told the driver to take him across London.  When he was nearly, 200 miles away he had the cabbie driver to drop him off at the nearest cafe.  He got out of the cab carefully and went in for a cup of tea and a sandwich.  The first thing he'd had to eat in 48 hours.  He sat and picked at his food and ate little more than 2 bites before throwing it out. 

He didn't know what to do with himself.  He walked to a nearby bridge and sat under it.  He felt sleep fall upon him quickly and he was out.

~~~

When he woke up, he noticed he wasn't in his bed.  He thought back to where he fell asleep and remembered the bridge.  He wasn't there either.  As a matter of fact, he had no idea where he was.  He noticed a man in the corner.  And another one in the opposite corner, a door between them.  Clearly, they were preventing him from leaving and he was not in any friendly place.  As he looked around, he started spotting little things that seemed out of place.  A fan, a children's book about trees, the chair he was tied to, the door was decorated, the guards wore the colors red and yellow and black.  Where was he?  His foggy mind try to deduct what was going on, but to no avail.  He gave up and waited patiently for his captor to show up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short and sweet seems to be my style. I'll probably start having a bit less Sherlock, but that's okay, right?  
> Please give me feedback on how you like this!  
> Thanks!


End file.
